No matter who you are, you want to be someone
else.
C’mon, tell the truth…don’t you secretly want to be
a cowboy? Or a dolphin trainer? Or George
Clooney? Or maybe just thinner, or heavier or
better at starting a conversation?
I (not so secretly) always wanted to be a
professional musician. I picture myself up there
playing guitar alongside Eric Clapton or Stevie Ray
Vaughn. Knockin’ ‘em dead with my solos. Climbing
the speaker towers to the amazement of my
screaming fans. Of course, it would help if I could,
first, make a G chord.
What’s with us, anyway? The phrase, “Snap out of
it” comes to mind. But it doesn’t have to.
I retired about two years ago and moved up here to
Adirondack Park…far away from anyone who knows
me. And I remember thinking, “Now you can be
anyone you want to be.” Of course, I was wrong for
the most part. But I have become someone that I
wasn’t – friendlier, more open to new adventures,
eager to meet new people. Hell, I’ve even begun
showing interest in cooking of all things –
unfathomable! But I’m basically the same…just not
always.
Before you start thinking that I’m bi-polar or
schizophrenic, hear me out.
I went into Kinney Drugs in Tupper Lake a while ago
to pick up a few things. (If you don’t mind, let me
take a minute to acknowledge one of the
friendliest, most helpful staffs I’ve ever come across
in a retail establishment…especially Daryl, the
pharmacist.) If the grand total had come in under
$100, I’d have paid with cash as I normally do. But
since a few prescriptions were among the items on
my list, the total was well over my cash limit, so I
whipped out a credit card.
I don’t know about you, but I still don’t know when I
have to sign my name when buying on credit and
when it isn’t necessary. Further, I don’t know what
the point of signing either on a paper receipt or an
electronic screen is…you just need to scribble pretty
much anything and you’re good to go. It’s not like
the card company is looking at the accuracy of your
signature anymore to make sure it was you. As I
picked up the pen to sign, I thought to myself, “Hell,
I could be George Clooney and just sign it that way if
I wanted to.” Hey, wait a minute!
Remember how this needlessly long ramble
started? With everyone wanting to be someone
else? My opportunity just presented itself on
Demars Blvd. So, with my worst penmanship, I
signed George Clooney. Of course, it looked
nothing like Mr. Clooney’s signature…like all other
signatures, it was just a scribble. What it DID do,
however, was allow me to be someone I’m not,
albeit in a brief, cheap, meaningless, borderline
legal way. But here’s the fun part – after I signed, I
felt and behaved like George Clooney.
Suddenly, I walked taller. I was dressed in a tuxedo.
I smiled and waved at everyone as if I had just
strolled off the red carpet. If I didn’t think I’d get
slapped and berated I would have winked at the
women I passed. When I got to my car, it was
transformed into a Porsche, not the 2010 Toyota
Prius with the missing bumper that I had driven into
the Kinney parking lot. Yes, I had become George
Clooney until I walked in the door and saw someone
who actually knew me…my wife…who was NOT
Amal, but was just as beautiful, smart and sexy! (My
wife reads my column.)
Ever since that fateful day, I look forward to being
asked to sign my name for credit. Oh, I’ve been
many, many different people…David Bowie, Walter
White, Yosemite Sam, Olivia de Havilland (signing in
drag is tricky, and especially challenging afterward
when I’m trying to act like a woman). You should try
it…it’s VERY liberating.
Who knows? If enough of us do it, maybe the credit
card companies will do away with signing
altogether…they’ll trust us to be who we truly are
without a proper signature…like Prince.
Boy, now I have GOT to learn to make that G chord!
PULL QUOTE: The phrase, “Snap out of it” comes to
mind.